it all seems like a dream

this change - this move to a familiar yet new environment seems like a dream. it all happened too fast as I ask the world to slow down and let me catch up. im scared that apart of me has died and parts of me will die. however, I know parts of me will continue to grow. maybe this change is all to new which seemes likes its too fast. after all I never left sonoma county for I have left my roots there

letting go

letting go is the art of true freedom
but, the most challeging action to achieve

Distraction

$15 for haircut
$28 for a carwash
$3.85 for a chai latte
all distractions of what's really to be looked at
the uneasiness of being alone with uncomfortable thoughts and feelings
causes to distract from what's real
but to live is to face these uneasiness

Prettiest Friend - Jason Mraz

Prettiest Friend - Jason Mraz
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIZmDHPqGl4

This is what I look like today
And I'm trying not to pull out my hair
I'm trying not to show it 'cause I'm far too shy to grow it back there
That's probably why I like wearing hats
There's no denying I'm deferring the facts
Avoiding confrontation
Lacks tact in a situation
Behind every line is a lesson yet to learn

But if you ask me
The feeling that I'm feeling is overwhelming
And oh, it goes to show
I've so much to know

I wrote this for my prettiest friend
Who while trying not to prove that I care
Trying not to make all my moves in one motion and scare her away
Well she can't see she's making me crazy now
I don't believe she knows she's amazing how
She has me holding my breathe
So I'd never guess that I'm a none such unsuitable, suited for her

But if you ask me
The feeling that I'm feeling is complimentery
And oh, it goes to show
The moral of the story is boy loves girl
And so on the way that it unfolds is yet to be told

I know that I should be brave
Even pretty can be seen by the blind
I know that I cannot wait
Until the day we finally learn how to find each other
Redefining open minds

And if you ask me
The feeling that I'm feeling is overjoyed
And it's golden, it goes to show then
The ending of this song should be left alone
And so on 'cause the way it unfolds is yet to be told

In the midst of transition...

In the midst of transition from - one space to the next; from one job to the next; from reality to the next - there more questions than answers. But, all I have to do is ride the waves and see where life takes me... I'm trusting the process as I learn and re-learn to exhale and take it all in strides.

Working

I've just got out of another work meeting and as my experience proved before, it was just another unproductive meeting. folks had their own agenda; I know I certainly had mine. 

An agenda of thinking that I'm trap in a monotony of daily routine. Sure, on paper my job sounds good.  I am helping youths from low-income families to be the first one in their family to receive higher education.  I love what I do. However, I hate the bureaucracy that I have to face in order to get to do what I love of helping others - all I want is to have pagmamalasakit. However, my spirit is being broken from the meetings, from the co-workers who are after their own entitlement of western achievements. You can have your fancy titles - Executive Director, Director, or Assistant Director - but at what cost. You claim to be in this job to help the youth, but your first priority is your accumulation of matters associated with the westernized world...

I don't want to be regimented in how to assist in helping these youths.  Professional attire, customer service, or what time I clock in does not dictate my passion to help. I could be in shorts, tang-top, and sandals and still be an expert in getting these youths in the college of their choice.  I will not be defined by your standards ... no daily ironed clothes or well kept organized office can tell me who I am .... besides maybe the cleaner your outside world that you have the dirtier the materials that your are hiding within you...

currently... taking a big sigh and letting go ... breathe in... hold it.... and out... 

roller coaster

its been a whirlwind of emotions for the past couple of days. there's definitely many ups and dips. definitely, the ups are emotional high as close to ecstasy i could've received or would perceived. but, i must warn myself that these highs are created by desires and such are momentarily "happiness" in this lifetime... however, "what's more important: pursuing one thousand desires or just conquering just one?"

my dips were definitely, when my desires weren't met or my expectations were not achieved. i spent my weekend with the most beautiful person I could imagine... although she possess physical beauty... what's even more beautiful is what she possess how she this world... the world that is lived in and not what is perceived as... i can her as my life partner both spiritually and wordly, somehow i'm not so sure if the universe perceive it the same way...